My biggest fear has always been losing the people close to me, I’m genuinely more scared of losing loved ones than my own life. I used to dream that we’d all live until 100+ and then cross over in our sleep. Unfortunately, it’s impossible to go through life and not to lose the ones you care for.
In this post, I will share my personal experiences on losing loved ones, how it’s affected me, and how I try to manage it moving forward.
The first experience I can remember was when I was in year 6 my cousin’s best friend was stabbed in some sort of altercation. I was too young and maybe too naive to make sense of it all. The last time I saw him we were play fighting and he beat me up. My last words weren’t the kindest something I’ve always regretted. I remember when I got the news I was just crying, but also overwhelmed with a mixture of emotions. I was angry I wanted revenge on the person that did it but also scared that something could happen to my cousins or my friends.
You’ll never understand the impact of knife crime until it touches someone you love.
We didn’t even discuss it as a family, so everyone was left to process it in their own way. Showing emotion was seen as a weakness so everyone would bottle it in. I would have nightmares about me getting stabbed, I would be paranoid to the point of thinking I needed to carry something to protect myself. I would witness it trouble my cousin and not know what to say.
Then in year 12, I witnessed my best friend lose his dad to cancer. His dad and my dad were roughly the same age, so I was able to put myself in his shoes. I was watching my best friend deal with it in such a regal way knowing that if it was me I would crumble. It made me repair the issues I had with my dad, I realised that life is short, I can’t let small issues destroy a bond and it also strengthened our friendship. I made a promise to watch over him like a brother.
I made some amazing friends at university, one in particular, really stood out. We were both from Ghana, studying similar courses, born on the same day and he was a clean hearted individual. One year we celebrated our birthdays together and it was one of the best experiences of my life. I wanted us to do the same thing for my 25th and his 30th. But after university, we kind of lost contact, but kept afloat of each other via social media. I was watching his career prosper, while mine was at a standstill. I wanted to be in a better place before reaching out properly. It was always love whenever we’d speak, but neither of us made a conscious effort to really check-in.
Sometimes I feel like the rise in social media has weakened the strength of friendship. I watch your stories, like your pictures and assume you’re cool, rather than making a proper effort. We briefly caught up at a friend’s birthday, I was happy for him, he came through looking suave. He had just copped a new whip and had he consultancy up and running, I remember him saying that I should come work with him, we both laughed, that was him flexing on me.
Then one random day I get a phone call saying he’s committed suicide, I dropped the phone call and tried to act normal. But I could feel the tears roll down my face, my head started spinning. I couldn’t make sense of it, it seemed like he was on track to have everything.
This was the hardest lesson in understanding not everything is as it seems, and the importance of checking in on your people. When he died I lost control for a bit, I was living beyond my means thinking that the material items could remove the pain I was feeling. I struggle to enjoy my birthdays. I would continue to have nightmares, and feel like I had no one to talk to, I did but at that point, I wasn’t ready to be vulnerable. I was supposed to be the one that had it all together. So I bottled my emotions and took it out on people that didn’t deserve it.
The years 2015 – 2019 were probably my lowest, back to back losses that changed me forever. In 2015, a childhood friend passed from sickle cell. When I first got the news, I didn’t want to believe it. Throughout school/college he never showed any sign that he was ill. Now I recognise that was a testament to the strength of his character. He’d always been dealing with it, just never showed the pain. To make matters worse he had a child on the way. I can’t pretend that this didn’t challenge my faith. Then in 2016, I would lose one of my closest Aunties to cancer, I’d watch it break my mum’s hearts. I would watch my cousins struggle to deal with it all. The hardest thing is to be strong when you just want to break down.
Shortly after that in 2017, my uncle was murdered while on holiday in Ghana, we hadn’t recovered from losing my Aunty and was now forced to deal with this. Part of me felt like we were under attack. But the world doesn’t stop. I tried to continue, supporting the family, work and my masters but they were both crumbling around me. I was clashing with management, I didn’t want to tell them what was happening, I was also missing coursework dates. At this point I just became a shell of myself, almost felt like a robot. I was tired of dealing with the emotions of it all, I was mad at some of my friends for not being around, but at the same time, I never let them know how much I needed them. In between all of this a friend close to me was dealing with both of his parents getting cancer, I watched him do everything in his power to keep them alive but to no avail. In a short space of time, I witnessed his whole world change. You try to encourage them, but you know that pain is unbearable.
The blow that hit me the hardest was the loss of my grandma, growing up we all have that idea of becoming successful, and being able to take care of your family. The moment that was becoming somewhat of a reality it felt like my grandma was taken from me. To make matters worse I had been planning to visit her that year. I had so many opportunities to do so beforehand, but I kept putting it off. The pursuit of chasing success came at the cost of me neglecting the people that really matter.
It’s sad that I’ve got to this point and still can think of more people. Writing this post has made me realise how much losing someone can affect you. I don’t think I’ve actually dealt with the trauma I’ve experienced. I know it’s something I need to do before it destroys my future.
Over time I have learned that you never really lose anyone because we carry them in our hearts. They may not be there physically, but you hold onto the memories. I carry them all in my heart, so when you see me you see them. Make sure you create memories with the people you cherish. As cliche, as it sounds life, is too short to hold grudges. Try to resolve as many issues as you can, but understand you may still have to keep a healthy distance anyway from some.
If you think losing someone is not affecting you, you’re lying to yourself. Or you may not be aware of how it’s affecting you. Losing my Aunty and Uncle in quick succession affected my work performance, my masters and even relationships. I was closed off, didn’t want to speak to anyone or would put on a front whenever I was out. Our community frowns upon expressing our feelings, but bottling it in will destroy you. Speak to someone be it friends, mentors or even therapy.
I also had to learn people want to help, we sometimes want to save face. But in doing so we only hurt ourselves. There are people that want to help you, but you have to be willing to let them. When my grandma passed one of the most beautiful things was witnessing how the Ghanaian community came together to support my family, some out of tradition, some out of love, nonetheless it was appreciated.
I sometimes worry that these values will soon disappear, if we allow that to happen we have truly failed. I also realised I need to appreciate people more while they’re here. Give people their roses while they’re still breathing.
If you have ever lost anyone I pray that you find the strength to carry on.
Rest In Power to all my loved ones.
In the words of Jambeno One Life to Live, so live it.