Personal growth is partly attributed to the people you meet and the experiences you encounter. Every person you meet can potentially have a unique impact on the person you are: the people you care for even more so. While having dinner with some friends the question was put forward: ‘What have you learnt from your past relationships?’ The conversation was amazing, I wish I could share everything, but here are some of my reflections from the conversation.
In this post, I will explore what I have learned about relationships from past experiences.
If you’re expecting this to be a post slandering ex’s let me save you the time, it won’t be. I really don’t have some of the horror stories that I’ve heard about.
There are many reasons why my past relationships haven’t worked in some cases due to my pride, and immature thinking some cases arguments are disagreements that just couldn’t be resolved.
Below are lessons I learnt from my past relationships:
- Do not enter a relationship until you’re ready.
Sounds so simple, but I have been guilty of entering relationships before I was ready mentally, spiritually, emotionally and financially. You need to be honest with yourself about where you are. Relationships take time and hard work if you are not ready, just stay away, you will cause someone unnecessary hurt. I had to change my way of thinking. Instead of before entering any relationship asseass if you’re ready to give everything the relationship requires.
2. Love people for where they are, not where you think they can be.
Sometimes we fall in love with the potential we see in someone rather than where they are in the present. By all means, encourage your partner to be the best they can be. But make sure you love them for where they are, not where you think they will be. It’s unfair to put your expectations on someone, and once you do, you can become resentful for them not living up to the standard you have set for them.
Now, I try not to have any expectations of anyone but myself. Love people for who they are, and where they’re at.
- Understand your love language – Long Distance relationships are not for me.
My first serious relationship was just before I started university. While we were both at home everything was cool. She lived 20mins away. But once we both left for university that’s when things got a bit more difficult. We were at opposite ends of the UK. I wasn’t driving at the time, so the commute seemed long and was super expensive as a student.
The relationship fell apart. But it made me realise that quality time and physical touch are important to me.
- Respect yourself at all times.
Never let anyone disrespect you or talk to you crazy – I would be lying if I said I haven’t been tested. We all have boundaries in place, but sometimes in a relationship, you get tested, and because you care about the person you make small allowances, then before you know it you’re getting taken for a MUG.
You need to understand what your boundaries are, make sure you communicate them to your partner and be prepared to walk away when broken. Remember people will treat you how you teach them to, and if they don’t respect that it’s important to love yourself more and leave.
- You ain’t got it all together
I also learnt that I didn’t have it all together. I thought I had it all together from my 20s but I still had a lot more to learn. The biggest lesson was understanding the difference between sympathy and empathy. A lot of times I was showing sympathy when they wanted empathy. Sympathy is about feeling sorry for someone, empathy is about putting yourself in that position and providing what they need not you you think they need.
Additionally, I know I come across as having it all together, but sometimes that’s been far from the case. There have been periods where life/work pressures were beating me down but I’ve rarely ever communicated that out of fear of being considered weak.
I now recognise the importance of being vulnerable with your partner. Being vulnerable is the greatest sign of strength.
- Understand what’s important: going fast, or going far?
There have been times when I’ve felt that being in a relationship has slowed me down. When my career was first starting, I just wanted to focus on work. I wanted to get to x amount as fast as possible. I was prepared to sacrifice personal time in order to meet my goals, to the part of being inconsiderate to my partner.But what’s the point of winning if you don’t have anyone to share it with?
I’ve realised that you can make it fast by yourself, but you go further when you have the right person by your side. And we can’t take the concept of tomorrow for granted, find the balance between chasing your goals and enjoying today.
- You can’t be the guy, and be her man.
I always wanted to be the “guy”, but there is a deep conflict between being the guy and her man. I’ve always struggled between being around for my friends and providing the time my partner needed. In hindsight this was a young mindset, and I had to grow out of it. I cared too much about what my boys thought of me, the reality is what they think of you doesn’t matter.
Focus on the type of person you’re trying to be, and make the necessary decisions based on that.
- You need to be decisive
Sometimes I can be very indecisive. Little did I know how important it is to be decisive. Indecisiveness can make your partner feel like you don’t care and or worse that they can’t trust you. I had to learn to make decisions swiftly and correctly, but you’re allowed to change your opinion too.
- You’re going to make mistakes
This was the hardest point to write. As humans we are all going to make mistakes, but some mistakes don’t need to be made. I would be lying if I said I haven’t hurt people. My behaviour in the past has led to unnecessary hurt which I’m truly sorry for.
There is not a lot you can do to resolve the hurt caused by all means make peace where possible, but you need to control your actions moving forward. And that’s exactly what I have decided to focus on.
My relationships experiences have partly shaped me into the man I am, but it has also taught me the mistakes I can’t afford to make again. Take the time to understand what life has taught you, then make sure you make the necessary changes if needed.
What lessons have your past relationships experience taught you?