On the 11th of January 2020, my mentor invited me to a talk on Marriage. I think he saw my post on why I’m scared of marriage and was starting to worry about me. Regardless of the reason why, it’s a talk I needed to hear. In this post, I will share the gems I took away from a couple that has been married for 52 years.
The room was filled with married couples ranging from newlyweds to couples who have been married several years. But amongst them all were Tom & Jane a couple that have been married for 52 years and counting.
In a time where the average marriage lasts just four years, and a long marriage is considered 8-11 years, this couple has managed to defy all odds and keep their union for 52 years. I was intrigued and wanted to know their secrets and tips.
Tom and Jane met in their early 20s, and got married shortly after. We might say those times were easier, but maybe they didn’t let societies noise distract them. They both have had extensive careers, starting several businesses and a brief stint in politics and now spend the majority of their time doing philanthropic work.
Tom started the session by sharing his manta:
Every man needs:
A maiden to womb,
A battle to fight.
A cause bigger than yourself to live for
They both spoke about marriage very candidly and openly; it hadn’t been all smooth sailing but at no point was divorce ever an option for either of them. Below are some of the points that really resonated with me.
Your partner needs to have the capacity to grow
You need to be with someone that can grow with you, the idea that you can expect someone to stay the same throughout the course of their life is ridiculous. You need to be able to support your partner’s development and be at peace with their growth. Their light doesn’t dim yours.
Involve your family in your affairs, celebrate often.
They both spoke about the importance of having family involved from an early stage. They were raised in the house phone era, where you had to call the house phone to speak to each other. This meant that the parents were aware during the courting stage. Nowadays it’s possible to have a full relationship without your parents having any idea of what you’re doing. But your family should want the best for you, and they may see things that you’re overlooking. My mum warned has warned me a couple of about about prospective relationships, I didn’t listen and in hindsight she was definitely right.
They also spoke about the importance of celebrating relationship milestones whenever possible. Life is tough for everyone, we all experience pain, heartbreak and suffering. But what can keep us going is laughter, so try and celebrate often be it engagement, weddings and anniversaries.
Work is more fun than fun!
Travelling is cool, but what is better? Aligning your purpose with your partner. Tom and Jane started a charity in 2002 which has raised millions for the people of Zimbabwe. Too many people try to isolate their personal life and work life. But there is power available to you when you blend the two, plus who is going to go harder for you than your partner.
Need to have amnesia! Can’t hold grudges!
But they both stressed the importance of amnesia, keeping a record of the mistakes your partner has made helps no one. Holding grudges is the gateway to unnecessary problems. Their advice, never go to sleep mad at your partner, even if it means no-one sleeps.
Say sorry often, let them know how much you care
There is no space for ego or pride in marriage: you have to learn to say sorry often, even when you think you’re not in the wrong. The word sorry can stop a small issue becoming an unnecessary problem. How many times have you argued with your partner over something that was so insignificant?
They stressed the importance of letting your partner know how much you care. Small gestures of appreciation can do wonders for the relationship.
The greatest gift a man can give their kids is loving their mother
This comment hit me like a ton of bricks: ‘the greatest gift a man can give their kids is loving their mother’. If you have sons they will follow your example, if you have daughters you will teach them what to accept. It made me reflect a lot on my own upbringing and some of the decisions I’ve made. I feel like a lot of fathers in our communities could have done better. I think a lot of us have watched them and implemented the same behaviour. But regardless of what has happened in the past, we need to break those cycles and create a better future for our children, we need to acknowledge the past and not let resentment drive our future actions.
Money is never a reason to end a marriage
They were asked about the role that finances played in their marriage, it’s a well-known fact that money is one of the main reasons for divorce. However they both laughed at the question, they said they’ve been up they’ve been down but regardless of the situation the love has continued. We tend to give too much power to money, but the things that we truly desire: love, loyalty, respect, and encouragement are things that money can never buy. And remember, everything is a season, so enjoy the good times, and remember the tough times will pass.
Always encourage each other
Jane mentioned that she was very shy and reserved when they first got together, but Tom had encouraged her to be more confident. She has also been a pillar for Tom when times were hard.
Hearing Tom and Jane speak reminded me of the importance of marriage, their union has not only shaped the lives of their family but also helped millions of people in Zimbabwe. There is nothing that can’t be done with the right partner by your side. Our community needs to see it.