Mind Richer Than Pockets

Archives for March 2021

The Lies The Ends Taught Us

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I’ve previously spoken about the superpowers of growing up in the “ends”. I’m very proud of my upbringing, and the community I grew up in, where many see disadvantages I see resilience and ingenuity. My community played a large part in shaping me into the man I am, for the most part, it has been positive.

However I’m not blind to the negative impacts caused by the “ends” mentality that so many of us embrace, and I would be remiss if I didn’t touch on the lies the ends taught us. We were lied to, and the cycle will continue if we don’t recognise it and try to change things. These lies have taken lives, started postcode wars, jailed some of us, but the worst crime of all it’s robbed many of their full potential.

In this post, I will speak on some of the lies that the ‘ends’ taught us. My hope is that it will challenge the way you think about things moving forward.

9 to 5 means you’re a loser

As much as my parents promoted becoming a doctor, lawyer or engineer, I grew up thinking that there were only 3 ways to make it out: sports, drugs or entertainment.  Often 9-5 is seen in a negative light. Working will always be a way to change your family’s fortune. Working a 9-5 should never be frowned upon but always respected. There would be no Jeff Bezos without his parent’s investments which were accumulated via 9 – 5 professions. I’ve met so many guys on the roads that could have successful careers if they transitioned to the corporate world. Am I saying it is easy? No, but is building a trap line easy NO! There is no reason why a drug dealer cannot become a successful recruitment consultant, you can make just as much without the fear of jail time and other occupation hazards that come with selling drugs. and there is no limit to what you can do, whatever talent or skill you have can be leveraged to make a career out of it. Don’t let the ends trick into thinking 9-5 isn’t cool.

Seeing my brother as an enemy

In my younger years, I was automatically hostile to anyone that I didn’t know, rather than seeing a stranger as a potential friend they were automatically viewed as an enemy. This is a low-frequency mindset. Just because someone lives in a different area than you do, or has different views from you, doesn’t make them your enemy. Plus we are more alike than we are different. I was definitely one of the guys screaming no new friends, but some of my greatest friendships have come from people I have met in my recent years. Furthermore, some of the friends that were there from the start showed their true colours as time went on. Give people a chance, even if it is only brief.

Trauma is normalised

I’ve had all types of weapons pulled out on me, I’ve witnessed close friends become drug addicts, and lost loved ones to meaningless violence, and I was someone that was trying to avoid drama. Unfortunately living in the ends means that you have most likely experienced or witnessed some traumatic events. The problem is we have normalised these traumatic experiences and as much as we may believe we are cool, they are affecting our lives and relationship. I’m paranoid about people knowing where I live, I randomly shed tears or get angry over losing certain friends, the moment I enter any house party or event I’m evaluating and watching everyone. I park my car a certain way in case we need to make a quick exit.  

Therapy is often frowned upon, but so many of us could benefit from it. We need to unload some of these issues that we have been carrying. We have been raised to keep silent and bottle it all in, but this will blow us up if we don’t deal with it. I know people that have been sectioned because of demons from their past, I have witnessed people lash out at family members because they couldn’t handle everything that they were dealing with. At the bare minimum find safe people you can talk to.

Better to be ignorant than smart

A close family friend had all of the intellectual tools to be almost anything he wanted, he was naturally gifted especially at maths, but the ends didn’t respect him for that, they respected him for his street cred, so he focused more on that. Now we all wonder what he could have been. The guys that we were calling geeks are the boss now, and the majority of “bad boys” have fallen off. Being ignorant may seem cool during your youth, but you will have a future of regret.

Pride at the cost of your future

A childhood friend was attached by some people that he had issues with, physically he was okay he had a couple of bruises and some minor cuts but his pride was wounded, he couldn’t let it slide. He found the people and got his revenge but is now serving life in prison. We hear stories like this all the time, but we never ask the question was it worth it? The same guys that will call you a punk or a coward for not riding out will be the same ones calling you dumb when you’re locked up. My pride is not at the point where I can let everything just go, but it’s not at the point where I’m going to throw away my future because of people’s opinion of me. Don’t let pride cost you your future.

Blow Money Fast – Look the part, rather than being the part

In my early 20s, I managed to save £10,00 in cash. That money that I struggled to save went towards a car, some jewellery and designer clothes. The car broke down, I lost one of the rings and I couldn’t tell you where the clothes are now. That money could have been used as a down payment for a house, and even invested in the stock market or even Bitcoin. I had a friend telling me to invest around those times too. But like many others, I was focused on looking the part rather than being the part. We all know someone spending more than they make, it’s just a downward spiral, stay down until you come up. This isn’t just an issue in the ends, we have all heard of the saying keeping up with the Joneses. But I passionate about changing the narrative in my community, and this is one of the issues really affecting us.

We don’t need to subscribe to the lies we have taught, but we need to be conscious of them so we can break them,

3 Lessons From My Mum

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I go to my grave with the memory of the sacrifice you made, you deserve a standing ovation – Jay-Z

One of the strongest, most loving people I know is my mother, she’s truly my heart in a human form. We may not have had everything growing up, but the love she provided us was priceless and for that reason I always felt rich. M 

Although my mum and dad were separated they were both in my life, and I’ve been fortunate to learn from them both. I’ve touched on the lessons from my dad. So it’s only right I touch on the lessons from my mum. In this post, I will touch on the lessons I learned from my mum. 

  1. Treat your partner the way you would want someone to treat me

It’s ironic that this is the first lesson because for a long period it was the lesson I wasn’t trying to hear at all. But things came to a head when I was forced to have a discussion with my mum about my relationships. I was disappointing her, she looked me in the eyes and said I raised you better than this, what would you do if someone did this to me. We both knew the answer to that question. I wasn’t trying to live like a hypocrite anymore. 

  1. The truest form of love demands sacrifice

This wasn’t something my mum ever said to me, but something I realised by just watching how she moves. My mum has been constantly giving in the form of time, money and love. The sacrifices that she has made for me and my brothers sometimes has me overwhelmed. As kids, we have demands without knowing the true cost of what is involved. I remember wanting the Playstation 2, and without fail it was there for Christmas. As an adult, I was just in awe of how my mum did it all. She continued to just pure love and give all she could even at times where we were simply ungrateful, and for that reason, I’ve got her forever. 

  1. Always keep your head up high

No matter what is said about you, walk with your chest out and your head up high. I’m thankful my mum taught me this lesson early on in life! Because I have had situations where I’ve been vilified (rightly and wrongly), lied about, fallen off and sometimes just hated on. At times these situations have got to me, but I’ve always maintained a strong poker face. I’m not above making mistakes, judge me if you want, but I’ve got enough life experience to know that your L’s are hidden or different from mine. Learn from all your mistakes but no matter what, don’t let your head fall down because of people’s opinions.

Am I going to get fired? The time my probation was extended

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One of my greatest career lessons came from one of my lowest career moments. It was the day my director told me my probation was being extended. Until that day I had been the golden boy in every organisation I’d worked for. I’d started to believe my own hype, so being put on probation had me feeling like I had failed. I was put on probation because my director was undecided on my abilities, some of the team were singing my praises, others were unconvinced I was up for the challenge. I had two options, start looking for a new role, or show them they made the wrong decision. I chose the latter, and I’m grateful I did. I have no doubt I could have found a new role, but going through the process allowed a growth in me that I may not have otherwise experienced.

In this post, I will discuss what led to me being put on probation, how I responded and the lessons it taught me.

What is Probation Period

A probation period is a period of time at the start of employment when an employee may be dismissed with little or no notice if they’re found to be unsuitable for the role. It’s very normal to include probation periods – typically three months in length – within any new employment contract. (https://citrushr.com/blog/day-to-day-hr/what-is-a-probation-period/ 

Extending the probationary periods

The purpose of extending a probationary period is to allow the employee further time to improve his/her performance in order to demonstrate competence in the full range of duties and required behaviours. (https://www.firstpracticemanagement.co.uk/blog/posts/probationary-periods-a-guidance-to-probationary-periods) 

One of my happiest career moments was being offered a position at this company, to me it served as confirmation that I was on the right track, and it came with a nice salary package for someone my age. However, the honeymoon period didn’t last long. I was working on a project I didn’t enjoy, I was doing work that I felt I shouldn’t be doing and was clashing with a colleague. This led to me being placed on probation.

How Did I Get Here?

My mindset wasn’t in the right place from the start. I was put on two projects, one which I loved the other, I hated. The first one was a typical Business Analyst project, I was engaged and wanted to complete the project to the highest standard possible, the second was more of an administrative project and I just had no interest in it whatsoever. I developed this sophisticated excel sheet to process the data but wanted no parts of the data collection. To be honest, my ego was in play a little bit. I felt that I was in this senior position, so I shouldn’t be doing the work that I was doing when I was a junior.

In addition to this, I was also suffering from recurring mouth ulcers, the pain was to the extent that talking was difficult, this led to me being quiet most of the time and when questions were asked I would defer to my colleagues. But I think this was interpreted as me being antisocial or not appearing to care.

To make matters worse, I had deaths in the family. My aunt had just passed away from cancer, and shortly after that my uncle was murdered while on holiday in Ghana. I didn’t take time off for compassionate leave and didn’t tell anyone, I felt like I was displaying weakness, I was under the belief you should never bring your personal issues to the workplace. But the loss had me down.

Shortly after I was told my probation was being extended. From the stories I heard it appeared if your probation was extended they were getting rid of you. I was quiet when I was told, but I made a promise to myself to prove them wrong.

So What Happened Next

The first step was recognising the areas I needed to work on, I identified the following areas:

  1. Improve relationships with colleagues – I was friendly with everyone but didn’t take the time to form meaningful relationships. If you have ever wondered why some people get a faster response than others, in most cases, it will be because they’ve forged great RELATIONSHIPS. 
  1. Get the job done regardless. – I decided regardless of the task, get it done. The buck stops with me, once you remove the ability to blame anyone else you will be surprised how fast things get done.
  1. Remove Ego.  – The chip on my shoulder may have got me to this position but it would also stop me from progressing if I was not careful.
  1. Be Vulnerable – Needed to be open with colleagues not for sympathy but so they understand. Some may not see being open as being vulnerable, but I’m a very closed off/stand up person, if I don’t know you I won’t speak to you, but I’ve been slowly trying to shake off this mindset.

Improving relationships was easy especially when sincere and intentional. I spent time truly getting to know my colleagues, and showing myself to them too. I remember connecting with a colleague over our love for “The Flash” TV show. I would go out of my way to help them whenever I could and they, in turn, returned the favour. This led to me getting things done quicker than it normally would take. The day things really changed was during our company day, we were put in groups and had to present to the wider team,  I was just myself, but it was a side they had never seen before. From there it felt like I was really part of the team. At times you will need people to go the extra mile for you, it helps when they know you’re worth it.

Working hard has never been an issue, but doing something when I’m not motivated is a completely different story, I had no interest in the administrative project, but I now looked at it in a different way, this project was a reflection of my attitude, work ethic, and technical skills. How did I want people to see me? Once my perspective changed everything else did, I got that project completed in record time, I was motivated to resolve issues.

My ego is something that I will forever be trying to manage, but in this instance, I needed to put it in place quickly, who was I to think I shouldn’t be completing certain tasks. Some decisions were clearly wrong, but rather than focusing on who is to blame, I just accepted it was my responsibility to resolve it. 

I had to be open with my colleague about what was happening in my personal life, but not for sympathy but just so they understood. When I shared what had happened they were shocked and understood why I seemed distant at times.

Needless to say, I passed the extension, but more importantly, I had grown as a person, I was forced to address the issue rather than find a way out. I could have easily found a role somewhere else, but I worked hard to prove to myself I belonged there. 

Lessons Learned

Networking is key – Relationships will take you far in life, the more meaningful relationships you have more the gifts you have. It allows you to leverage the skill sets of others which allows you to get more done. Furthermore, there is something to learn from everyone.  

Ego is the enemy – Ego has provided me with the drive to achieve, but it has also cost me to lose things I love. You need to know when your ego is required and when to put it away. Every now and then I remind myself of my humble beginnings to make sure I never get lost in this world.

Think Win, win – I was focused so much on myself, that I never took the time to see things from their point of view. I have now developed the ability to see things how others may see it. You don’t have to agree but it helps when you understand things from their point of view and can think win-win.

Adversity will always provide lessons if we are prepared to go through it and learn them. 

No mistakes in life, only lessons.

You’re the architect of your life.