Mind Richer Than Pockets

Archives for March 2020

The Dark Side Of Social Media – Is Social Media ruinning your life?

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Social Media has transformed the way we can share content and how we network. Over the years I’ve used a range of different platforms, from MSN to Snapchat. Social media has benefited me in many ways, it allows me to share this post with 1000s, create/sustain meaningful friendships, communicate with family overseas, and I can now find new opportunities at the click of a button. Despite these positives, there have been reports of social media leading to an increase in depression, an increase in cosmetic surgery, suicide attempts whilst on Facebook live, friends fighting over comments and so much more. 

I sometimes worry that we are not fully conscious of the negative impact social media is having on us. 

In this post, I will touch upon the negative aspect I have witnessed/experienced with social media and provide some tips on how to manage it.

Seeking External validation

The ‘Like’ button was one of the best and worst creations ever made. It provides an easy way to measure impact. But it also trains the mind to believe the value is in the number. When the ‘Likes’ are flowing you feel amazing. But when they’re not you can start to question everything and probably end up deleting the pic. It has driven some to cosmetic surgery and some to steroids. I have witnessed people question their existence because the ‘likes’ didn’t hit their usual number. It has led to some of my friends to spend money they don’t have, to present themselves a certain way. I have friends that post pictures they’re not comfortable with because they feel that’s what gets them ‘likes’. I was shocked when I discovered people were ordering clothes, to post pictures and then returning the clothes. It shouldn’t ever be that deep.

Then we have comments, we are in a time where people will say anything for attention. Unfortunately, negativity is given more attention, so people troll with the hope of being liked more or being considered ‘real’, slightly ironic when you think about it. Trolling can do so much damage to a person’s self-esteem. We have seen it drive people to suicide. You have a personal responsibility to keep negative comments to yourself. 

I have seen cases where people develop an online alter ego. Some as successful entrepreneurs, some as socialites etc. A lot of this is linked to seeking external validation, some feel they need to be someone else to be liked. I’ve been somewhat guilty of this at times. I’ve posted pictures with a cocky Drake line presenting a larger than life image when it definitely wasn’t the case, but it changed for me when my friend said do you want to win in life or look like you are winning? Being someone you’re not on social media can lead you to lose a sense of self which can lead to you falling into depression because you can’t live to the expectation you’ve set or you are not ready for what the alter ego brings. 

We have shifted from sharing things that we like to sharing things to be liked. Your unique selling point will always be the fact that you’re you and there is no-one else like you. Limited editions are always prized more. What is more limited than you? No walking this earth will ever have your genetic makeup, combined with your personality and unique experiences. You don’t need the world to affirm you’re beautiful, you only need yourself. There is no reason for you to pretend to be anyone else. If you’re building a platform, then build it being you, it may take you longer, but you will be at peace once you get there. If you’re on social media just to share moments do that, just don’t ever compromise yourself to conform to others.

Comparing your life to others

Social media has allowed us to see much more of the world than we normally would, you can now see how the other side is living. For some, this serves as great motivation, for others it has driven them to compare their life to others, and then feel inadequate about their existence. I’ve seen people compare followers, likes, relationships and other people’s estimated net worth. A friend told me he no longer found his partner desirable because she didn’t compare to the women he was seeing on his Instagram. I had to remind him that it’s unfair to compare an edited picture to real life. Another felt like he wasn’t making enough money because he spent his time watching the life of footballers, rappers and following jewellery pages. I have witnessed this comparison drive some people to serious depression. I feel this can be avoided if we just took some time to sign out. 

It’s funny that we compare our lives to an image without knowing the context. I know of a couple that appeared ‘perfect’ on social media but behind the scenes, abuse and infidelity were going on. A famous influencer presents a lavish lifestyle but they’re in serious debt. I’ve lost count of the fitness gurus who had surgery but claim it was all due to their workout plan. Stop comparing yourself, especially when you don’t know the full picture.

Comparison is the thief of joy, it’s hard to appreciate your blessings when you’re only focused on what you don’t have. Take the time to appreciate what you do have, the everyday blessings are seriously underappreciated these days.

Consumption of your time

Every Monday my phone sends me a report on how long I have spent on social media apps, and every Monday I drop my head in disgust. When I wake up most mornings Whatsapp and Instagram are my go-to apps. I sometimes get lost looking at peoples stories and scrolling down the timeline. I’ve had to work hard to break this habit. It has required me to delete the apps from my phone for a period of time.

So often we hear people complain that there is not enough time, but if we look at the time we are spending on social media, we would realise it’s not a case of having enough time, it’s how we are spending our time.

We all have dreams and goals we want to achieve in our lifetime. If we make better use of our time then we will be a lot closer to meeting those goals. Instead of scrolling on the social platform, read that book, design that plan, or whatever it may be for you.

Causing problems, and a lack of appreciation in real life

Nowadays at a concert, everyone has their phone out recording instead of enjoying the music. Travel for some has become about showing people you were there rather than taking the time to disconnect and recharge. The memories are more important, it’s okay to put your phone away and enjoy the moment.

I have lost count of the number of couples that have broken up over social media. Likes, comments and DMs all of a sudden can become a major issue. I have also witnessed arguments that started online spill into real life, and people have been seriously hurt. I have also witnessed people’s opinions get them in trouble with the workplace.  

Try and be conscious of the way you conduct yourself online, the implications can affect real life.

Social media isn’t going anywhere, and personally I don’t think it should, it allows us to network, share content, and create opportunities. But we need to try and be conscious of how we interact with it, to make sure that it doesn’t affect our mental state. 

Tips

Take Social Breaks – Delete social media platforms off your phone for a bit. Replace it with family, friends, reading or working on a personal project. This allows you to regain control over the social media platforms and realise that there is more to the world.

Set specific times – Set specific times you can use social media, or maybe link it to when you’ve completed an activity. This way it doesn’t distract you too much from goals.

Unfollow pages – I’ve had to unfollow pages that were not conducive to my growth. As much as we may want to see certain things, we need to recognise they can harm us mentally. Be strategic about the pages you follow.

Be yourself at all times – Be you at all times, do not compromise yourself to be liked. Those that you need around will be around.

The Effects Of Losing The Ones You Love

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My biggest fear has always been losing the people close to me, I’m genuinely more scared of losing loved ones than my own life. I used to dream that we’d all live until 100+ and then cross over in our sleep. Unfortunately, it’s impossible to go through life and not to lose the ones you care for.

In this post, I will share my personal experiences on losing loved ones, how it’s affected me, and how I try to manage it moving forward.

The first experience I can remember was when I was in year 6 my cousin’s best friend was stabbed in some sort of altercation. I was too young and maybe too naive to make sense of it all. The last time I saw him we were play fighting and he beat me up. My last words weren’t the kindest something I’ve always regretted. I remember when I got the news I was just crying, but also overwhelmed with a mixture of emotions. I was angry I wanted revenge on the person that did it but also scared that something could happen to my cousins or my friends.

You’ll never understand the impact of knife crime until it touches someone you love.

We didn’t even discuss it as a family, so everyone was left to process it in their own way. Showing emotion was seen as a weakness so everyone would bottle it in. I would have nightmares about me getting stabbed, I would be paranoid to the point of thinking I needed to carry something to protect myself. I would witness it trouble my cousin and not know what to say.

Then in year 12, I witnessed my best friend lose his dad to cancer. His dad and my dad were roughly the same age, so I was able to put myself in his shoes. I was watching my best friend deal with it in such a regal way knowing that if it was me I would crumble. It made me repair the issues I had with my dad, I realised that life is short, I can’t let small issues destroy a bond and it also strengthened our friendship. I made a promise to watch over him like a brother.

I made some amazing friends at university, one in particular, really stood out. We were both from Ghana, studying similar courses, born on the same day and he was a clean hearted individual. One year we celebrated our birthdays together and it was one of the best experiences of my life. I wanted us to do the same thing for my 25th and his 30th. But after university, we kind of lost contact, but kept afloat of each other via social media. I was watching his career prosper, while mine was at a standstill. I wanted to be in a better place before reaching out properly. It was always love whenever we’d speak, but neither of us made a conscious effort to really check-in.

Sometimes I feel like the rise in social media has weakened the strength of friendship. I watch your stories, like your pictures and assume you’re cool, rather than making a proper effort. We briefly caught up at a friend’s birthday, I was happy for him, he came through looking suave. He had just copped a new whip and had he consultancy up and running, I remember him saying that I should come work with him, we both laughed, that was him flexing on me.

Then one random day I get a phone call saying he’s committed suicide, I dropped the phone call and tried to act normal. But I could feel the tears roll down my face, my head started spinning. I couldn’t make sense of it, it seemed like he was on track to have everything.

This was the hardest lesson in understanding not everything is as it seems, and the importance of checking in on your people. When he died I lost control for a bit, I was living beyond my means thinking that the material items could remove the pain I was feeling. I struggle to enjoy my birthdays. I would continue to have nightmares, and feel like I had no one to talk to, I did but at that point, I wasn’t ready to be vulnerable. I was supposed to be the one that had it all together. So I bottled my emotions and took it out on people that didn’t deserve it.

The years 2015 – 2019 were probably my lowest, back to back losses that changed me forever. In 2015, a childhood friend passed from sickle cell. When I first got the news, I didn’t want to believe it. Throughout school/college he never showed any sign that he was ill. Now I recognise that was a testament to the strength of his character. He’d always been dealing with it, just never showed the pain. To make matters worse he had a child on the way. I can’t pretend that this didn’t challenge my faith. Then in 2016, I would lose one of my closest Aunties to cancer, I’d watch it break my mum’s hearts. I would watch my cousins struggle to deal with it all. The hardest thing is to be strong when you just want to break down.

Shortly after that in 2017, my uncle was murdered while on holiday in Ghana, we hadn’t recovered from losing my Aunty and was now forced to deal with this. Part of me felt like we were under attack. But the world doesn’t stop. I tried to continue, supporting the family, work and my masters but they were both crumbling around me. I was clashing with management, I didn’t want to tell them what was happening, I was also missing coursework dates. At this point I just became a shell of myself, almost felt like a robot. I was tired of dealing with the emotions of it all, I was mad at some of my friends for not being around, but at the same time, I never let them know how much I needed them. In between all of this a friend close to me was dealing with both of his parents getting cancer, I watched him do everything in his power to keep them alive but to no avail. In a short space of time, I witnessed his whole world change. You try to encourage them, but you know that pain is unbearable.

The blow that hit me the hardest was the loss of my grandma, growing up we all have that idea of becoming successful, and being able to take care of your family. The moment that was becoming somewhat of a reality it felt like my grandma was taken from me. To make matters worse I had been planning to visit her that year. I had so many opportunities to do so beforehand, but I kept putting it off. The pursuit of chasing success came at the cost of me neglecting the people that really matter.

It’s sad that I’ve got to this point and still can think of more people. Writing this post has made me realise how much losing someone can affect you. I don’t think I’ve actually dealt with the trauma I’ve experienced. I know it’s something I need to do before it destroys my future.

Over time I have learned that you never really lose anyone because we carry them in our hearts. They may not be there physically, but you hold onto the memories. I carry them all in my heart, so when you see me you see them. Make sure you create memories with the people you cherish. As cliche, as it sounds life, is too short to hold grudges. Try to resolve as many issues as you can, but understand you may still have to keep a healthy distance anyway from some.

If you think losing someone is not affecting you, you’re lying to yourself. Or you may not be aware of how it’s affecting you. Losing my Aunty and Uncle in quick succession affected my work performance, my masters and even relationships. I was closed off, didn’t want to speak to anyone or would put on a front whenever I was out. Our community frowns upon expressing our feelings, but bottling it in will destroy you. Speak to someone be it friends, mentors or even therapy.

I also had to learn people want to help, we sometimes want to save face. But in doing so we only hurt ourselves. There are people that want to help you, but you have to be willing to let them. When my grandma passed one of the most beautiful things was witnessing how the Ghanaian community came together to support my family, some out of tradition, some out of love, nonetheless it was appreciated. 

I sometimes worry that these values will soon disappear, if we allow that to happen we have truly failed. I also realised I need to appreciate people more while they’re here. Give people their roses while they’re still breathing.

If you have ever lost anyone I pray that you find the strength to carry on.

Rest In Power to all my loved ones.

In the words of Jambeno One Life to Live, so live it.

Work Commandments – Rules To Help You Succeed

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Whether you are trying to climb up the corporate ladder or trying to succeed in the entrepreneurial world, you need to develop a path/system/rules to guide you on that journey. 

As your career continues to progress along the way, you will learn certain rules which guide you.

In this post, I will touch upon the work commandments that have supported me on my journey. 

1. Do more than you’re paid to do.

You need to develop the mindset of doing more than you’re paid to do. Firstly, it’s a mental exercise that prepares you for hard work. Secondly, it helps build a standard in you that puts you ahead of your peers if they are not doing the same. You’re likely to learn and develop faster than everyone else, and you will build a reputation for working hard which will lead to some opportunities that you wouldn’t otherwise have access too. When I started my career in recruitment the hours were 7 am to 9 pm, but we were only paid from 9 am to 5 pm. I hated most days but it built an attitude, doing more than I have been paid to do. I have carried this mindset to other positions and excelled because of it.

Some people try this for a month and then quit because they don’t get the result they wanted. But this commandment needs to become a lifestyle, only then will you get the benefit.

2. Never Gossip.

Growing up in “ends” I saw someone get slapped for spreading rumours about someone else, that taught me at an early age the seriousness of gossiping. 

I can’t proclaim to never have taken part but I try and make a conscious effort to avoid it as much as possible. There have been times where I’ve heard people talking negatively about me, I try my hardest to just ignore it and continue on my path. Remember, the people talking about you are probably jealous of the position you’re in or want something you’ve got.

I’ve worked in environments where gossiping was part of the culture. I purposely made an effort not to get involved. I do not agree with the idea of talking behind someone’s back. It’s also hard to trust a person that will talk behind your back and smile in your face. Avoiding gossip helps build character, it’s so easy to just partake, and you can sometimes be considered an outcast for not getting involved but eventually, your colleagues will respect it, and that integrity will speak volumes when you’re not present.

There are times where you may need to speak to someone to get something off your chest, in those instances find trusted advisors you can confide in.

3. Commit to purposeful lifelong learning.

Purposeful learning shouldn’t ever stop, and if it does it’s likely your earning potential will too. I think when people hear “learning,” they think of it in the traditional sense of a classroom but it doesn’t need to be that. It can be in the form of books, mentoring, YouTube videos, personal projects, online tutorials, etc. Lifelong learning allows you to master your craft, pick up new skill sets and better your life.

At the start of my career, I’d spend my weekends in the library, just reading and learning, and fortunately, all of that accumulated knowledge eventually paid dividends.

Find time to study and master your craft. Don’t wait for an opportunity to come before you get ready. Identify the person you want to be, then start doing the work now.

4. Always take the higher road.

There is a saying people will try and bring you to their level then beat you with experience. I’ve been provoked many times at work, but I remember telling myself you can’t let anyone make you take off your crown. By no means am I suggesting be silent while someone is being overly disrespectful, but at the same time do not throw away everything you have worked for over someone pointless.

Learn to embrace criticism, firstly assess if there is any truth to the comment. This requires you to be honest with yourself. If there is, then apply the relevant parts or make the necessary adjustments. If it’s not just disregarded the criticism. It’s not what someone says or does, it’s always how we respond. Once you understand that, no one will have power over you.

5. Never get complacent or develop a sense of entitlement.

At one point I got very complacent in both my attitude and work ethic, this led me making terrible choices in both my career and personal life. I had to remember that I used to dream of being in the position that I’m in right now. My life could have gone very different, I have to constantly remind myself that I’m blessed to be in the position I’m in, but understand that I still have much further to go. With this mindset I never get complacent.

Entitlement is such a damaging belief. I’ve witnessed people not progress in life because they are waiting for a hand-out. The reality is no one owes you anything. Once you remove expectations your life will be better. I hope and work towards the best, but I accept what life gives me.

6. Be consistent in all endeavours.

With consistency, you can have whatever you want. A lot of the time we quit because things don’t happen as fast as we like. But you have to learn to trust the process. Establish what you want, devise the systems to get there, and be diligent in your effort until you get the results you desire.

When I was searching for a contract my approach was to apply for 50 roles a day, every single day until I found a contract. By the time I got one, I had about 4 other offers. Because my consistency had paid off. Forget the results and fall in love with the process.

7. Avoid cheating, or claiming someone else works.

This shouldn’t need any expansion, every single time in my work and personal life that I’ve taken a shortcut or done something that I shouldn’t have, I’ve eventually paid the price. It’s never worth it. Your reputation can take years to build and can be destroyed in seconds.

I’ve never claimed someone else’s work, but I’ve had someone claim my work. They crumbled in the presentation because they didn’t know the details, they lost trust from senior management. Integrity is priceless and takes a long time to rebuild, do not compromise that.

8. Wins are trifling, focus on learning from your mistakes.

Over the years my approach to making mistakes has completely changed. Instead of punishing myself for making the mistake, I focus on what I can learn from that situation and make the necessary changes. There is nothing wrong with making mistakes as long as you’re willing to learn from it.

Celebrate the wins but never let it get to your head if you do you may invite arrogance and complacency into your life. Success is rarely yours, yes it’s down to your hard work, but luck plays a part. So always remain humble.

9. Master the art of saving.

Napoleon Hill once said, “if you can’t save the seed of greatness is not in you”. Although I don’t wholeheartedly agree I understand the concept. 

Saving allows you to have more control over your future. Because I had little savings when I first graduated, I took the first opportunity given to me, because I felt I needed the money. Had I had a safety net, I would have been more selective about the roles I applied for. I learnt very early it’s not how much you keep it’s all about how much you save.

Because of my savings I’ve been able to take advantage of some amazing opportunities, providing bridge loans to trusted friends. 

Lastly, saving provides assurance. I don’t need to compromise integrity for a payslip. I’m not at a point of financial freedom, but I have enough to not compromise myself for anyone.

10. Focus on building systems, rather than goals.

Do not spend too much time focusing on goals, focus on building systems for achieving those goals. 

Many people spend so much time focusing on the goals instead of devising systems to get there. I spend a little time establishing my north star goals, but once that is in place the majority of time is spent on building solutions to get there, and once that is done the greatest effort is on executions. 

From watching your habits, people should be able to see what your goals are.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. Let me know which commandments you agree/disagree with?

What would you add?

You’re the architect of your life.

How To Keep Sane During This Period Of Self-Qurantine

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On the 23rd of March 2020, Boris Johnson in his address to the nation instructed that we must all stay home, to ensure that we stop the virus from spreading.

He advised that we are only allowed to leave our homes for the following reasons:

  • Shopping for necessities. 
  • One form of exercise a day.
  • Any medical needs, for others and yourself.
  • Travelling to and from work, but only where this is necessary and cannot be done from home.

We had now entered a period which some were calling a lockdown. However, at this point, I had already been working from home for a couple of weeks, but regardless I felt different knowing that my freedom was changing for the foreseeable future.

In the last couple of weeks, I’ve had highs and lows while adjusting to being at home. In this post, I will share my thoughts on how to keep sane during this period of self-quarantine. I will also share some thoughts on what not to do.

Exercise

Although the gyms are closed, we can go for walks, bike rides, runs, or implement traditional home workouts. 

When we think of exercise we generally tend to think of stronger muscles and an improved cardiovascular system. But science has shown that exercise provides many mental benefits. Exercise helps with the concentration of norepinephrine, a chemical known to moderate the brain’s response to stress. Exercise can support and prevent degeneration of the hippocampus, which is linked to memory and learning. Exercise can also help improve self-confidence.

My days currently consist of waking up at 5 am, running 5 miles followed by a circuit of 100 Press-ups, 100 Sit-ups and 100 Squats. I normally finish at around 6:30 and I’m ready to start my day. Doing this routine provides me with great energy and my spirits feel lifted. The days I’ve struggled are the days I just haven’t got up and kept my routine.

To anyone reading this try and implement exercise into your daily routine it can be as simple as a 5-minute walk. Start at a level that works for you, and with consistency, you will see improvements.

Read

If you know me, you know I have a love for reading, but during this time reading has become so much more important. The right book can transport you to a new world, it can provide a story so captivating that the concept of time disappears. 

Research by Dr David Lewis states that reading for as little as 6 mins a day can reduce stress by 60%, in the form of reducing your heart rate, relaxing muscles and altering your mindset. Reading can also make you smarter by increasing vocabulary, knowledge in a particular field or writing ability. Depending on what you read it can help you understand yourself/others more, or provide a way to learn new skills.

I try to read a couple of chapters a day, in the last 3 weeks I have completed 3 books. I generally read in the morning after my workout, or just before going to sleep.

Journal

I remember my friend Kenny telling me he journals every day, at the time I thought he was crazy. But after a stressed period in my life, I decided to give it a try. Journaling holds more benefits than recording memories or finding self-expression. It can also be good for your mental health. 

Journaling has allowed me to release my emotions in a way which is not detrimental to others. I can get rid of my fear, anger, insecurities in a way which does affect anyone else. It really has helped my emotional health. Writing my thoughts on paper eliminates any stress that I have and I generally feel better once it’s all done. 

A journal also serves as a great timestamp, it’s good to look back and see how far you have come in life.

Just start, write a couple of lines on your thoughts, hopes and whatever comes to mind. Just try and be consistent.

Learn a new skill & Develop that business idea

We have an amazing opportunity to learn new skills or develop a business idea. Instead of complaining that we are bored, put that energy into something that will serve you better in the long run. 

So many organisations such as the open university have made free online courses available. There is a video tutorial for almost everything on Youtube. It doesn’t have to be text-based either, explore your creativity, try painting, yoga, baking or even dancing.

Our day to day life can be so hectic that we struggle to find the time to learn, but right now we have no excuses. 

Speak to friends

Try and find the time to speak to your friends. I’m in various Whatsapp groups with my friends, which has meant that we can go for months messaging each other rather than speaking. 

But now we are speaking and video calling regularly, these conversations have lifted my spirits whenever I have felt low. 

Check-in on your friends. It will lift your spirits and strengthen the depth of your friendship.

Structure your day

Having a structure allows you to regain control over your day and your mental state, you know what you want to achieve, and where your focus should be going. It allows you to focus on what’s under your control. My days are planned to the point that I have little time to worry about the virus. 

A structure will allow you to develop into the person you want to be, state your desires, understand the habits required, build a structure to enforce those habits and continue working until you get the desired result.

Write a timetable, then focus your efforts on completing everything that you said you would.

The Don’t

Comfort Eating

This is what I’ve found the hardest, I’ve suddenly become hungry all the time. And eating food that I know I really shouldn’t be. I was eating junk food, and then getting mad at myself once I’d finished. I had to first realise that I’m eating out of boredom, and I had to remind myself what my long term goals are. 

Instead of buying junk, I’m buying more fruits and veg, and instead of fizzy drinks more water, so if I do comfort eat it’s not as damaging.

Re-engaging toxic friendships/relationships

Now is a period where a lot of people will be trying to reconnect. You need to be careful of the people you let back into your life. That person that you have been avoiding may try and reach out.

This period has offered an opportunity to make peace with a couple of people I had disagreements with in the past. But I’ve also had to ignore a couple of calls. Can’t bring old problems into a new decade.

Watching TV all-day

Do not spend all your time watching TV, it’s great in doses to help you relax or even provide temporary escapism. But it can also stunt your ability to grow and have an active life. Some spent their time watching TV instead of addressing the areas in their life that need attention.

Overspend due to panic

Coronavirus sent the UK into panic mode, with thousands overspending due to the fear of a lockdown. Although I understood the approach, I never felt it was necessary. Now is a period in which you can save a lot of money, my spending has dropped by 80% (Ubers, Travel & Uber’s Eat). 

Review your finances, now presents the opportunity to cut all unnecessary spending. We are entering a period of uncertainty, save every penny you can.

What are you doing to keep sane, during this coronavirus period?