Archives for February 2020

On Saturday 22nd of February 2020, I heard Andy Ayim touch up this topic, which served as confirmation that I’m not alone in my thinking. 

Too often we focus on the negative aspects of growing up in “ends”. But I’ve realised that my unique experience has provided me with superpowers that the corporate/entrepreneurial world are in dire need of.

My upbringing was no different from a lot of others, I grew up in a tough community, but was never a bad boy nor did I care to be. But I was exposed to certain things. The community shaped me, but I made sure it shaped me in a way that would be conducive to my growth. I transformed what some would call traumatic experiences to street smarts. It’s not what happens to us, it’s how we decide to respond to what’s happened. 

In this post I will touch upon the superpowers I believe I’ve attained living in ends, with the hope you will look at your own experiences with a different point of view.

1. The Power To Deal With Pressure

The journey to school required navigation through at least 5 different gang zones. I’ve had knives, guns, and a range of different tools pulled out on me. In addition, I’ve been cussed for being dark-skinned, called dumb and ugly etc  Back then it hurt a little at times, but it’s also helped me develop tough skin and the power of being quick-witted.

I realised words don’t need to have the power we give it. It’s not what people call you, it’s all about what you answer to. I’m not phased by negative comments. Having experienced all of this, picture me getting scared because a director raised their voice or said something I didn’t like. 

At the start of my career, I witnessed directors shouting, and colleagues getting scared and sometimes even crying. In comparison to everything I had faced, this didn’t even register on my pressure Richter scale.

This superpower allowed me to breeze through what some people called a high-pressure environment. 

My experiences have allowed me to function under extreme pressure. I don’t let external pressure affect me delivering what I need to. Work became escapism to me. I would engulf myself in the task and forget everything else happening around me. I’m also able to deal with my burdens by myself and not worry about anyone else.

2. The Power Of Talking. 

My environment has made me a skilled talker. I’ve had to talk myself out of getting robbed, and getting things back from people that were robbed – this taught me the art of negotiation.

Furthermore, chirping girls taught me how to create a rapport with strangers, understand the power of persuasion, and most importantly how to deal with hearing “no”. I wasn’t a Romeo out of the gate, but after a while, you realise hearing “no” isn’t the be all end all. I’m not affected by rejection at all, in fact, I believe each no brings you closer to a yes. 

This was needed in recruitment, going for promotions, applying for jobs and securing my first contract. Hearing no is part of the process. You have to get to the point of not being fazed by it. I’ve seen the fear of hearing “no” paralyse people from making the necessary move.

3. The Power Of Having A Belly.

A “belly” is a street reference, essentially for having an emergency fund. Growing up I used to hear of hustlers, having 20-40k bellies and also getting robbed for it all. This taught me two things; you need to have a safety net, but do not keep it in cash.

I have a decent portfolio which I’m still building, but I also have an emergency fund just in case. I rarely carry cash or have money which can be accessed easily.

We can’t control life events, but by having a safety net you can try to be as prepared as possible.

4. The Power of Hustling

I didn’t have everything I wanted growing up, but I had a strong imagination, so I used my imagination to devise ways to get what I wanted. In year 7, I started selling sweets/CDs and sometimes my lunch, to the point I was making £10-£20 a day. I used to play pound up the wall and blackjack and my skills in those games are legendary. I started selling trainers, PlayStation games and clothes as I got older. Then when I got to university I started doing events. This entrepreneurship mindset stemmed from the environment I grew up in.

I’ve seen my friends self-teach themselves how to code, make jewellery, carpentry and produce beats. One friend, unfortunately, was sentenced to jail. He used that time to get a degree in Economics from Open university, and now on course to work for one of the largest banks in the US. He used his jail time to create a brand new future for himself. No excuses around here.

I took this mindset to the corporate world. My mindset was to do more. I knew that if I learnt certain skills my price would go up. Then when it was time to switch careers I focused and made it happen. I was determined to become a contractor and didn’t stop until I got there. 

5. The Power to Read People.

My cousin once had a stranger ask to use his bike, my cousins obliged, and then watched this stranger ride off with his bike. He chased him but it was too late. I had to learn how to read people. 

This was a matter of survival. You learn quickly that sometimes people have ulterior motives. You need to be able to see this before they can hurt you.

Someone asking for the time was someone trying to rob you of your phone. What could be interpreted as a harmless joke is someone jealous of what you have. I can read people. I can spot the negative energy. I can tell when someone is lying. I can spot the aggression, even when someone is smiling. 

I used this power to help chose who I associate with. When presenting or in an interview I’m studying my audience for cues to detect how it’s going. When making a sales call I can tell in the tone how it’s going. In the famous words of Jay-z “I can spot a side-eye in my sleep.”

Let me be clear there is still trauma that I carry to this day, but I choose to focus on the positives. These superpowers could have been picked up in a book, but the first-hand experience makes these powers so strong. We didn’t have as much say in how we were raised, but like I said you have full control with how you interpret it. I decided to use my experience to help propel me in everything I do. What was meant for pain, you can turn to champagne.

What powers has your environment given you?

You’re the architect of your life.

Personal growth is partly attributed to the people you meet and the experiences you encounter. Every person you meet can potentially have a unique impact on the person you are: the people you care for even more so. While having dinner with some friends the question was put forward: ‘What have you learnt from your past relationships?’ The conversation was amazing, I wish I could share everything, but here are some of my reflections from the conversation.

In this post, I will explore what I have learned about relationships from past experiences. 

If you’re expecting this to be a post slandering ex’s let me save you the time, it won’t be. I really don’t have some of the horror stories that I’ve heard about. 

There are many reasons why my past relationships haven’t worked in some cases due to my pride, and immature thinking some cases arguments are disagreements that just couldn’t be resolved.

Below are lessons I learnt from my past relationships:

1. Do not enter a relationship until you’re ready.

Sounds so simple, but I have been guilty of entering relationships before I was ready mentally, spiritually, emotionally and financially. You need to be honest with yourself about where you are. Relationships take time and hard work if you are not ready, just stay away, you will cause someone unnecessary hurt. I had to change my way of thinking. Instead of before entering any relationship asseass if you’re ready to give everything the relationship requires. 

2. Love people for where they are, not where you think they can be.

Sometimes we fall in love with the potential we see in someone rather than where they are in the present. By all means, encourage your partner to be the best they can be. But make sure you love them for where they are, not where you think they will be. It’s unfair to put your expectations on someone, and once you do, you can become resentful for them not living up to the standard you have set for them. 

Now, I try not to have any expectations of anyone but myself. Love people for who they are, and where they’re at.

1. Understand your love language – Long Distance relationships are not for me.

My first serious relationship was just before I started university. While we were both at home everything was cool. She lived 20mins away. But once we both left for university that’s when things got a bit more difficult. We were at opposite ends of the UK. I wasn’t driving at the time, so the commute seemed long and was super expensive as a student. 

The relationship fell apart. But it made me realise that quality time and physical touch are important to me.

1. Respect yourself at all times.

Never let anyone disrespect you or talk to you crazy – I would be lying if I said I haven’t been tested. We all have boundaries in place, but sometimes in a relationship, you get tested, and because you care about the person you make small allowances, then before you know it you’re getting taken for a MUG.

You need to understand what your boundaries are, make sure you communicate them to your partner and be prepared to walk away when broken. Remember people will treat you how you teach them to, and if they don’t respect that it’s important to love yourself more and leave.

1. You ain’t got it all together

I also learnt that I didn’t have it all together. I thought I had it all together from my 20s but I still had a lot more to learn. The biggest lesson was understanding the difference between sympathy and empathy. A lot of times I was showing sympathy when they wanted empathy. Sympathy is about feeling sorry for someone, empathy is about putting yourself in that position and providing what they need not you you think they need. 

Additionally, I know I come across as having it all together, but sometimes that’s been far from the case. There have been periods where life/work pressures were beating me down but I’ve rarely ever communicated that out of fear of being considered weak.  

I now recognise the importance of being vulnerable with your partner. Being vulnerable is the greatest sign of strength.

1. Understand what’s important: going fast, or going far?

There have been times when I’ve felt that being in a relationship has slowed me down. When my career was first starting, I just wanted to focus on work. I wanted to get to x amount as fast as possible. I was prepared to sacrifice personal time in order to meet my goals, to the part of being inconsiderate to my partner.But what’s the point of winning if you don’t have anyone to share it with?

I’ve realised that you can make it fast by yourself, but you go further when you have the right person by your side. And we can’t take the concept of tomorrow for granted, find the balance between chasing your goals and enjoying today.

1. You can’t be the guy, and be her man.

I always wanted to be the “guy”, but there is a deep conflict between being the guy and her man. I’ve always struggled between being around for my friends and providing the time my partner needed. In hindsight this was a young mindset, and I had to grow out of it. I cared too much about what my boys thought of me, the reality is what they think of you doesn’t matter.

Focus on the type of person you’re trying to be, and make the necessary decisions based on that.

1. You need to be decisive

Sometimes I can be very indecisive. Little did I know how important it is to be decisive. Indecisiveness can make your partner feel like you don’t care and or worse that they can’t trust you. I had to learn to make decisions swiftly and correctly, but you’re allowed to change your opinion too. 

1. You’re going to make mistakes

This was the hardest point to write. As humans we are all going to make mistakes, but some mistakes don’t need to be made. I would be lying if I said I haven’t hurt people. My behaviour in the past has led to unnecessary hurt which I’m truly sorry for.

There is not a lot you can do to resolve the hurt caused by all means make peace where possible, but you need to control your actions moving forward. And that’s exactly what I have decided to focus on.

My relationships experiences have partly shaped me into the man I am, but it has also taught me the mistakes I can’t afford to make again.  Take the time to understand what life has taught you, then make sure you make the necessary changes if needed.

What lessons have your past relationships experience taught you?

If we take an honest look at the world, we can divide people into two categories: leaders and followers. Whether the military, professional world, church and even social media we can see a clear distinction between followers and leaders. In this post I will explore why our communities need better leaders, and what it takes to be a great one.

Before going any further let me be clear, there are two types of leadership, one which is deadly and destructive, and the other is helpful and constructive, Napoleon was a leader but his leadership was centred on personal ambition he didn’t really care about the wellbeing of French people, whereas Martin Luther King leadership was centred on serving the people he loved. This is the leadership style which I’m focused on.

I’ve always found myself in leadership positions, in school I was school counsellor from year 7 to 12. At university, I was ACS president and within my friendship groups, work and family, I’ve always been looked to as a leader at various points. 

To me, leadership requires both talent and character. My friend Dayo once said talent will get you in the room, but your character is what will keep you there. My talent (skills) have put me in those positions and probably will continue to do so. But I realised I need to develop the character to sustain being in those positions. 

Leadership has many definitions:

the action of leading a group of people or an organization.

the state or position of being a leader.

the leaders of an organization, country, etc.

Why we need leaders

Our communities are crying out for leaders. We are all aware of the problems facing our communities: knife crime, drug use, divorce, financial literacy, single parents and literacy levels. But instead of blaming the youth, we need to acknowledge the role we have played by not being better leaders for them. Whether you know it or not, people are looking towards you for leadership, you have the ability to show people what is possible, set a standard for them to live by, but you also have the ability to show them the wrong path and give them reasons for never respecting you. I know this sounds harsh but its the truth. So what will you do with that power?  

I’ve mentioned it a couple of times, I was slightly oblivious to how many people were looking towards me, and I have slipped up many times. I wanted to be judged by my work, and allow allowances for my character at times. But it doesn’t work like that. I’ve broken the trust of people I’ve cared about, I have clashed with friends and family members. As ACS president I tried to rearrange a meeting so I could go on a date, the team were furious (they ruined my date too by turning up to the crib lol I can laugh about that now). In hindsight, I’ve realised they were disappointed because I was not carrying myself to the standard I should have. 

I’m more conscious of how my actions can potentially affect others. By focusing on becoming a better leader, I can improve the lives of my family, friends and community. 

I genuinely believe because of work ethic and certain skills I’ve attained, I will always be good. But it’s important I have my people around me. Therefore I need to make sure my character and worth ethic are where they should be so I can truly lead by example.

What does it take to become a Leader?

Your work is what will ultimately put you in a position of leadership. So before leadership, you need to master your craft. Once in a leadership position, your success as a leader will be determined by your ability to have people cooperate to a common goal. Their commitment to that goal will be down to your leadership skills; this is where character comes into play. 

Sometimes, people may search for flaws in your character, and once they see it, it will be hard for them to listen to you. I know it seems harsh, but it’s the cost of leadership. But if your character is intact they will support you in all endeavours.

What Makes A Good Leaders 

Wanting to be a better leader lead me down a path of searching for what makes a good leader. There are so many books on leadership, but a section by Major Bach captured in the Laws of Success really resonated with me (ps I recommend reading the whole book).

He states that leadership made up by a combination of qualities, with the following the most important: Self Confidence, Moral Ascendency, Self-sacrifice, Paternalism, Fairness, Initiative, Decision, Dignity and Courage. Below I give a short interpretation of each quality:

Self-Confidence

This may be the most important, you need to have confidence in what you’re speaking about and have the ability to share that knowledge. You might be able to bluff some people but not everyone. And once people realise, all respect will be done. People may respect the position, but more importantly than that people respect knowledge. We are in a time where people can get away with talking, but unless you really know what you’re doing, it’s only a matter of time before you get exposed. Want to be a leader in a particular field? First try and master that field. There is no substitute for accurate knowledge. Strive to become so well informed that people will seek you for guidance.

It’s also important to learn how to speak without embarrassment. Your work can speak for you but is also important for people to trust your words.

Moral Ascendency

While self-confidence is based on what you know, moral ascendency is about doing the right thing. Leadership demands self-control, no matter what happens you need to remain consistent. Emotions can make us act in ways that we can’t take back.

You need to be above reproach, I know it’s not easy, but it’s the cost of leadership. There will be people out there waiting for you to slip and once you do they will try and use it to destroy everything you have built.

You are also expected to be the example, you don’t need to preach to them, show them through your actions. Live the life you would have them lead and you will be shocked how many will follow you.

Self-Sacrifice

This goes without saying, self-sacrifice is a key component of leadership. You will be expected to give all the time. You may be expected to give resources, supporting people in times of need, mentally you will need to show empathy to others. At times financial resources may be required, sometimes you will get this back but most of the time you won’t.

Paternalism

You will be expected to carefully watch for people comfort and well being. You will need to put their needs ahead of yours. Essentially acting at their parent while not impacting their self-respect.

Fairness

Treat people fairly, regardless of your relationship with them. This doesn’t mean treating everyone the same we are not all alike, understand each person you’re dealing with and treat them accordingly. Reward people for the work they’ve done don’t try to claim the recognition like it was all you.

Initiative 

Initiative is that quality that makes one do what needs to be done without being told to do it. I’ve seen leadership make people lazy. So many people want to give orders and not do work, but more people will respect you more when they see you taking the initiative to do what needs to be done 

Decision

The ability to make the right decisions comes with the territory: you need to have the strength to make the right choices. 

Dignity 

You need to have a certain amount of personal dignity. This is what will prevent you in acting in any way that you shouldn’t. First level is not getting caught, real leadership is not doing it period. Personal dignity also means that you hold yourself to a higher standard than people could ever.

Courage

Courage is the firmness of choices while fully understanding the risk involved. You need to have the courage to stand on your words, but also the ability to own your mistakes. When the successes were coming it’s easy to own them. But when the failures come you need to have the same energy.

What do you think is missing?

What steps are you taking to be a better leader? Let me know.

Remember you’re the architect of your life.